


for I cannot breathe in your grave (I do not belong there)

by isloremipsumafterall



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Gen, Introspection, there's some hints at kiradax but only if you squint really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24259093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isloremipsumafterall/pseuds/isloremipsumafterall
Summary: On Trill they don't keep graves for those joined. Jadzia's name is put on a wall under the Dax symbiont, wiped clean every week with a sterile touch and one day Ezri's name will go on that wall too.
Relationships: Ezri Dax & Kira Nerys
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	for I cannot breathe in your grave (I do not belong there)

There's a grave for Jadzia on Bajor.  
  
Ezri knows she's not supposed to know there is but it's well kept by Kira and blue flowers find their way there every week.  
  
On Trill they don't keep graves for those joined. Jadzia's name is put on a wall under the Dax symbiont, wiped clean every week with a sterile touch and one day Ezri's name will go on that wall too.

  
But really she thinks, Bajor would be nicer.

* * *

Leeta is the one who told her about it.

Offhandedly, like it was nothing that every week Kira picked up the flowers from Keiko – never replicated, always grown by a friend and alive – and made her way back to Bajor when there was so much work to be done on the station still.

“I think it reminds her.” Leeta had said, setting another glass in front of Ezri. “It’s important to us Bajorans to talk to those we love, even after they leave.”

Ezri stared at the glass and wondered if she’d be able to keep the liquid inside it down if she even tried.

* * *

Klingons don’t talk to the dead.

Honour the dead certainly.

But they don’t talk to the dead and they certainly don’t keep graves.

Jadzia loved Klingons but she loved Bajorans too.

* * *

The first time she tried to ask Kira about it the words scrambled between her head and her throat.

“I want to see Jadzia.”

Kira had frozen, the padd in her hand flashing information on the screen too brightly for such a conversation.

Ezri shut her eyes and sighed.

“I mean-” She tried again. “I just-”

Really what would she even say.

“Nevermind.”

It isn’t like Jadzia can even hear her.

* * *

Some times she looks in the mirror and for a second sees someone else’s eyes staring back at her.

“It could be worse.” She says just to psych herself up. “It could be Joran.”

The joke falls flat but she thinks Jadzia would have laughed just the same.

* * *

Trills keep people alive by symbionts.

The past lives in them, the things they learn passed down from one host to another.

It isn’t fair Jadzia didn’t get to pick her own successor.

It isn’t fair that Ezri didn’t get a choice either.

It isn’t fair.

It isn’t-

* * *

“You don’t have to go alone.” Ezri tries again, a month later when the raktajino is cooling between them and she tries to count the breaths between when she talks and Kira does but the number is too high and she’s lost track.

She does that a lot.

“Ezri.” Kira says her name shorter, sharper than Jadzia’s own. Or maybe that’s just how it feels. Too little of it and not enough.

Wasn’t it hers before all this though?

“It’s nothing.” She forces a smile, “Forget about it.”

* * *

And Ezri can picture the conversation:

"Where's Ezri?"  
  
"She went to visit-" Kira will struggle for a moment, trying to think of what word to say. "Family."  
  
Miles will immediately frown because he’s met her family and he knows what they’re like, "She'll be back soon right?" He’ll ask, brusquely enough to hide his concern but still clear for all to see. "She's not staying there?"  
  
Kira's breath will catch in her throat at the sudden idea of it. Ezri buried under rocks and gravel and next to Jadzia because at the end of the day they are friends and Kira cares and she cares and she _cares_.

Except of course Jadzia wasn't actually buried on Bajor. It was just a rock marked with her name to make Kira feel better. Another ghost with a solid finish on Bajor soil that Kira could pretend belonged to her.  
  
"No." Kira will say eventually, her voice steady but her heart shaking in her chest. "She's not."

One day Ezri might though.

* * *

Jadzia did not know who she was when this first began.

It’s a comforting thought but Ezri isn’t certain she deserves it.

She’s trying to anyway.

* * *

“Old man.” Sisko says like nothing has changed but everything has.

“It’ll be just like old times. Except different.” Ezri had said because her mouth is always faster than both her head and her heart.

These memories don’t belong to her but they are hers.

She’s different.

* * *

Kira reaches over to grasp Ezri’s wrist, like she’s both offering comfort and trying to make sure Ezri doesn’t disappear between the gaps of her fingers.

No matter how many times she tries Ezri can’t remember the last thing Jadzia said to Kira. It was probably a joke, accompanied by a tiny smirk.

Maybe some day those will be her last words to Kira too.

“I can…give you the coordinates.” Kira says, not looking away from Ezri. Her eyes are sad, worn out both from this war and from loss and this very conversation.

The last thing Ezri wants to do is place more burden on her friends.

She wants to say the right thing though that’s never been her specialty. She wants to comfort Kira and assure her that Jadzia did love her and loved this station and loved Bajor and just _loved_.

“Thank you.” She ends up settling for, the words ashen in her mouth but grateful all the same.

* * *

She could take a shuttle or a transporter or even Worf would take her on the Defiant and Sisko would allow it and-

She tries to go back to sleep but the thoughts keep racing in her mind to keep her awake.

* * *

“What do humans say to the dead?” She asks both Julian and Miles, another slip of the tongue that brings a conversation to a dead halt.

“Anything we think they need to hear.” Miles mutters after a minute into his mug, refusing to look at either of them.

“I’ve never really known.” Julian admits. “I’ve always just talked however I feel like it.”

Miles jumps on that and then they start bickering and Ezri laughs because she can.

* * *

Her heart hurts.

It’s just phantom pains, nothing to worry about.

Ezri excels at worrying anyway.

* * *

"I'm not you." Ezri says to the stone at her feet. So much smaller than her but the presence looming in her mind. "And I'm not trying to be. I think everyone's figured that out by now. I hope they have."  
  
Slowly she sits down, reaching a hand out to trace a familiar name - her name once upon a life time ago, and wasn't that just tragedy that all the potential and vibrancy of Jadzia was just a name in a stone now.  
  
"They're doing okay. They miss you obviously." Ezri pulled her hand back and her fingers twitched with restless energy. "They'll always miss you."  
  
"I think," Ezri began without really thinking about it. "We could have gotten along. All though I'd never eat gagh with you, I don't know how you can stand it. But I think..." Ezri trailed off and stared at the flowers next to the grave. Blue like Jadzia's eyes; blue like her own and it was such a simple comparison in the grand scheme of things.  
  
"I think a lot of things." Ezri settles on. "So I hope you're ready to listen."  
  
Except of course Jadzia would. Both the real version of her and the last wisps of her in memories of Ezri's minds.  
  
Memories Ezri would cherish and keep for all her life even as she made her own.

* * *

Jadzia Dax has a grave on Bajor.

Ezri Dax lives on where she can not.

(Really. She’s doing her best at it.)


End file.
